My cousin said that writing on tumblr helped her out….and even though I’m not on here often, I figured this would be a good outlet.
The impending date is coming up. And with that, I’ve noticed, my night drives home have brought a cornucopia of emotion: They serve as a reminder of the late night drives home, and cranking up the music to block out my thoughts. The constant night fear I’d wake up to terrible news. The morning excitement that there is one more day—and even though that day would be spent in the company of family in a cramped room with a cloud of sadness above us and the fog of silence around us, there was still the comfort that we were all in this together. The talking to whatever deity was listening, and the pleas of “One more day”, “One more birthday”, “One more year”, and “One more beer to numb the pain”.
…and with those memories come more memories of the journey to get to that cramped room: Waiting for a finished port placement surgery, face buried in a plastic pillow holding back tears curled up on a very public couch while a piano in a distant lobby played “Someone to Watch Over Me”. The “Cancer Class” where everyone else had the look of hope and opportunity with their small cancer fighting plans and cancers everyone had heard of, while a large binder full of WARNINGs and CAUTIONs starred back at you, serving the reminder that this is only a temporary fix. The birthday party weekend high, quickly diminished with the word “terminal”.
…and with the memories of the journey come the memories of why the emotions are there to begin with: The tears shed over a finished portfolio you both share interests in. Every event, from graduations to dance recitals that were never missed. The dinners, whether a pizza or some homemade dish, where you sat on the opposite side of the counter and listened no matter how asinine. The hours of play-doh, parlor beads, coloring and stories.
So though the “day” is coming closer, there is still a sense of unconditional love that serves as a reminder of every day that I never want to take for granted.